Let me be honest, I don’t know what I’m about to write about entirely, it’s purely an expression of how I feel on a page. When you’re younger, in your twenties, the road ahead in your life is not that clear. I struggle every day to make simple decision, its ironic really, how such a simple decisions prove to be so difficult. My theory behind it is that I am constantly trying to please others around me, from a young age that’s just what I’ve been conditioned to do. “How are you doing, what would you like to eat?” and the replies are often, yeah I’m good in which case, so am I. Or, my companion wants orange juice, so guess what, I’ll have the same. Every decision for me has to be critically analysed, examined and then cross-examined by someone else. By that point, its no longer my decision, its the opinion of my college/friend/parents/random person at the super market etc.
If you familiarise yourself with the book “The Bell Jar” by Silvia path, you’ll see where I get a lot of my current ideas from. Let me put it into context…
I saw a life branching out before me, like the green fig tree in the story. So this branch has every possibility to take me higher right? From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a typical one, a husband in a family home with my beautiful wife, and a happy home and children. A second fig showed me my life as a famous poet, and another fig was a brilliant actor (LOL!) in both Bollywood and Hollywood, and another fig a traveller around the world: Europe, Africa, South America, Asia, Australasia and everywhere else on the map. And another fig was Alice, Margaret, Shiela, Seema, and a pack of other lovers with wierd names and even wierder professions.
But beyond these figs, and a million others, I saw myself sitting in the shade of this old Fig tree, hungry as f**k, just because I couldn’t make up my mind about which fig to choose. I wanted every single one of them, but I knew choosing one would mean loosing all the rest, as I sat there unable to decide… I remembered my reality, where I am right NOW!. I remembered all those little things that I actually didn’t want to change.
The problem, in simple terms, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously ,as I mentioned using those figs. So we live in danger of becoming paralysed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice. It’s okay to be lost, the journey of self discovery is one that spans our whole lifetime, so don’t rush, take it slow, we’re all going to hell anyways.
Here’s what I think of decisions; whatever the various outcomes may be, there will always be positives and negatives, no matter how many precautions you take to prevent a fuck up, it will eventually happen. In all honesty, sometimes its those minor mishaps that make life exciting. The majority of funny stories I recall, all involve something bad happening to me. Of course, at the time the last thing you’d want to do is laugh at yourself. It takes time, sometimes a very long time but eventually you WILL get over it, what other choice do you really have? There’s no real secret to decision making, there’s no universal technique that guarantees the ‘right’ decision every time. The trick is to be selfish, it’s your decision, one that impacts your life. Fair enough, it might affect those close to you too, but ultimately you’re the one directly in the firing line. So trust that decision that you’ve made, there’s not always a huge margin for error, time travel is not yet legal don’t forget.
P.S. Some of the most beautiful paths can’t be discovered without getting lost.