I’ve been thinking a lot about this phenomenon of feeling behind in life, feeling as though you simply just don’t know what direction you’re heading in and whether or not it is leading you anywhere significant. This is mainly because I’ve come up against this on more than one occasion during my life thus far. Even my friends, can often relate too.. I guess it must be a young peoples thing. Although, there are many people out there, some even younger than me who already know exactly what they want and are well on the way to achieving it. For those few special people, all I have is admiration and envy, for I’ve longed many a day wanting to have that mind set, that drive and desire.
Anyways, the conversations with my piers made me realise that this issue is something that we all find hard to articulate and share with each other. We tell ourselves; “my time will come”, “everything happens for a reason” etc etc. But you know what the sad thing is, that feeling still exists in the back of our minds. The feeling of not measuring up, never being able to catch up and simply not knowing if your life at present is the best version of it, are you capable of better? All these thoughts have made me reflect on myself. One example is how competitive I can be, always feeling the need to compare my situation to someone else’s and wanting to better them to feel happy. I felt that it was a good quality that I was motivated, determined and forward thinking. The sad reality of it all is that, I was never really happy. In fact, wanting to meet the standards that other set for themselves reduced me to having no standards at all.
I felt robbed of a lot of Joy and true happiness; always having to work, more forward and the constant need to satisfy those around; drowning in the appreciation they give me while not really appreciating myself. It is a really ugly thing to admit, but there you go. But in a world where there’s growing pressure to be social through platforms and pictures, its easy to loose yourself and very difficult and find who you are again. It’s only when life gives you a slap in the face, you stop and think. It’s only then the reality really hits you, and I mean life. Not a reality where you wake up and check your phone to feel happy again, but one in which no matter what you seem to do, life seems to be heading towards a dreaded dead end. The screen you’re staring at, it hides the harsh reality but only temporarily; when you grow too old to care about people other than yourself and your loved ones, that dead end which was so far away is now inches away, too late for you to plan a getaway.
It’s not all doom and gloom though, the trick is to keep your minds eye open. Even when the world is changing rapidly around you, it’s important to go at your own pace and trust your instinct. It’s often when you rush decision making or become influenced by the opinions of others, that the seed of doubt gets planted in your mind the moment a decision is made. And if something is to go wrong, it’s easy to blame those who influenced you; “I wouldn’t have done this if it weren’t for you”, “How could you let me do this and not say anything?”etc. However, to grow from within and make better decisions, acceptance of your own failings is crucial. There wont always be someone else to blame, believe it or not. Admitting that it was actually you who fucked up all by yourself, living in regret and drowning in the guilt that haunts you, is one of the most humbling feelings one can experience. It won’t be over in a day or a week, a whole month might not even be long enough. It’s important not to rush this process, because its easy to fall back into the same cycle of seeking assistance with decision making.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad to ask for a second opinion but always bare in mind that it will only be you who’s likely to feel the direct impact of whatever choice is made. After all, we all want to be unique and fulfill our own specific vocations. I believe that all individuals harness a unique set of skills along with a burning desire to trigger a meaningful impact on the world. Until we take the time to intimately connect with and cultivate these skills, we will never find our true calling.